by gise on February 21, 2012
I recently stumbled upon a very sad blog for adults who have decided to cut either parent (or both) out of their lives forever. This blog is a safe space for people to share (anonymously if they wish) the painful stories that inevitably got them to the point of choosing to never speak to their mom/dad again. I read about a dozen stories, and to my surprise only ONE story dealt with the person cutting ties because of child neglect/abuse issues that left scars which lasted way into adulthood. The rest simply could not take one more minute of their parents’ control, meddling, and manipulation. Most of them were simply sick and tired of trying to please their parents at all costs, while sacrificing what they wanted, or who they thought they should be. This seemed to be the dynamics of their relationship with their parents, even AFTER they were adults living on their own, or raising their own families. Most people on the blog felt their parents had zero respect for them.
So I wish I could ask the estranged parents now:
Was it really worth it?
I don’t want to judge – I am pretty sure these parents were simply doing the best they could, and with the best intentions.
And I can empathize with these parents. I truly can!
Raising kids is NOT easy.
But I wonder…
What was accomplished?
Did their children not grow to be adults that followed their own paths anyway?
Along with their best intentions, maybe they should have added communication.
At some point, shouldn’t these parents have put their egos aside, and said to their kid: “I am scared…scared that you will make mistakes…scared that you will go down the wrong path…scared that you will later regret what you are about to do.”
Maybe that could have lead to an open exchange of compassion from both sides, so that each would understand the other a little more.
The stories I read saddened me for both the adults who wrote them and their parents (even if they did offend their children to the point of ex-communication). But in the end, I truly think it was utter fear and pure ego on the parent’s behalf that caused these crumbled relationships.
We can’t expect our kids to respect us if we don’t respect them first. Among other things, this involves giving them the space to be themselves…to explore what makes them happy…what fulfills them. Doing this empowers our children.
I am not saying to condone disrespect, illegal activities, or activities that would endanger them/others. NONE of the people on that blog wanted to do any such things. They simply longed for space to breath.
Why tighten the parental grip SO HARD if it will only end with us contributing to a frustrated, repressed, and angry adult?
I think protecting a parent-child relationship is by FAR more important than any stubborn desire we may have as parents for our kids to be a certain way. The amount of communication that it takes to get to a point of mutual understanding needs to start when our children are very young. It can be as easy as explaining why we gave them a “time-out” or disciplined them in any way, apologizing to them when we have made a mistake, and more importantly, it can be as simple as listening to them.
There are no guarantees that our kids will always have a wonderful relationship with us, but: “my mom (or dad) gave me unconditional love” was NOT any of the reasons given on that blog for why the person decided to end the relationship with their parent.
by gise on February 15, 2012
Once upon a fairytale reality
Once upon a time, in the far-far-away land of Palm Harbor, Florida there lived a noble king and his fair queen, along with their two distinguished, young princes. The king and queen were looking forward to a most magical day in which the entire kingdom would join loved ones to simultaneously celebrate the grandest emotion of all: love! The date came – February 14th – and the queen awoke with a smile. After fetching supplies from the market, she and the children happily busied themselves with baking sweet treats that they were to partake in later that night…The young princes would surely go to bed early so that the king and queen could celebrate their love alone, over much chocolate and wine…But Alas! The queen was startled by a crashing sound that came forth from the royal master bedroom! Much to her dismay, she found the entire closet had collapsed. The brackets which held their garments had cracked entirely, leaving clothes and shoes strewn about everywhere! She frantically called the king to inform him of the catastrophe! “Fret not, my fair queen” said the king. “I shall visit the woodcutter’s cottage (A.K.A. The Home Depot) and bring forth the supplies to fix the royal mess.” Sadly, the King was overloaded with royal duties and arrived at the castle much later than expected. The king was famished and decided to feast before endeavoring to carry forth the closet supplies. “Woe is me!!!!” cried the queen, for when the king finally arrived, it was very, very late, and tragically, he had gotten the wrong supplies! Now everything was ruined: It was late! The princes were still awake, too excited from all of the sweet treats they had eaten, and still not bathed! The castle hound was incessantly barking! And the royal mess still remained! Frustrated, the queen sighed and poured herself a glass of wine. She longed for a night filled with love and romance, but instead was faced with nuisances and disorder. Peering over her glass of wine she glanced at her noble king, who sat looking tired and defeated on his royal dining room throne. Amidst the chaos, and despite her irritation, the queen’s heart filled with love at that very moment, for she realized that there was no one on earth she would rather be frustrated next to. “Thank you for sharing the mundane with me” she said to her king. “I thought you were mad at me for getting the wrong supplies” he replied. “No” said the queen “I was frustrated at the situation, but not at you my handsome king.” The kids went to bed shortly thereafter and the king and queen, too tired to do much else, simply went about their regular routine, as if it were any other night of the year. But be not disheartened, gentle reader, for they could not be more pleased with their lives. While many in the land waited for that day to show their loved ones how much they truly cared, the king and queen, along with their children did so every single day…which made the frustrating days, like the one experienced herein, a lot easier to get through. The love they felt for each other, day in and day out, transcended obligations to have a perfect, cookie-cutter holiday…And so, despite the hardships that sometimes accompany everyday life…they still lived happily ever after.
The End!
by gise on February 3, 2012
My amazing friend Vanessa over at Mama Scribble recently wrote this piece about an ugly little word almost all of us parents struggle with on a daily basis:
GUILT!
We feel guilty about being career mamas…Stay at home mamas feel guilty about choosing to (finally) fold that laundry as opposed to playing legos for the 15th time…We feel guilty about spending 10 minutes at the computer…about not feeding the kids enough vegetables…about not scheduling enough play dates…about wanting/needing some time alone…about saying “no” even though (xyz) really IS possible…about going to the gym…and the list goes on and on.
Although I believe that putting forth maximum effort when it comes to raising our kids is non-negotiable, I also believe that in order to raise happy kids, we need to be happy parents. Not only do our children feed off of our energy, but if we don’t do that one little thing that is going to make us more sane persons, then we will surely take it out on our children ~ most likely at the moments when they need us to be the most patient. So although I am by no means condoning neglectful parenting, I am saying that parents have valid wants/needs (sometimes wants & needs are one and the same). Feeling guilty about meeting our needs serves no one. So I agree with Vanessa:
Enough.is.enough!
She started a little series called “Guilt Free parent: A Project to help us to be Kinder to ourselves” and I want in! She proposes we each go do that guilt infused thing and say to ourselves: “Today I will do (xyz) and NOT feel guilty about it.”
My guilty pleasures?
~ LONG SHOWERS & DATE NIGHTS WITH THE HUSBAND ~
That long, hot shower does me a world of good…This is where I take a break from the craziness…the reality that is life with 2 small boys close in age, and a crazy-ass dog. Here is where I breathe and recollect myself. I must admit that I don’t often get to take long, uninterrupted showers…but that is my own fault. I feel guilty for locking the door when I know Benjamin will want to come in, sometimes just to say ‘hi’; I feel guilty for making Alain wait with the boys…for dinner, or for his own turn at showering…or for…whatever…I know he is tired after a long day at work. But no more! I know it may not be possible to take long, leisurely showers every single night, but I am aiming at doing so at least a couple of times a week, GUILT FREE!
Date night with Alain is another thing we don’t do as often as we would like, mainly because it involves leaving the kids in someone else’s care, thereby excluding them from our company. But we KNOW how important – how healthy it is for the relationship – to get out ALONE every once in a while…It is a way of reconnecting, of enjoying each other’s company, of simply sitting in a restaurant together without the pressure of making sure that the kids don’t disturb the other customers, of going to a NON-G movie for once, without having to stand up 1,000 times for potty breaks or restless-legs. So I propose a *guilt free* date night at least once every other month…How about it babe?
Writing this post made me think about all of the other ways in which I do take care of myself, and I wondered why those things didn’t cause me to feel guilt. I now know the reason: It’s because I somehow incorporate the kids into those activities, and they have fun! For example, Benjamin loves playing with the other toddlers in the play-room while I take my yoga class.
There is no reason that they can’t have fun while I take long showers or have a date night with Alain as well! Either way, I am determined to enjoy these things, without feeling guilty about it!
